Monday, June 26, 2006

Case study : How B-list celebrities really earn their "Benjamins"

Disclaimer: Below is a parody article by a wannabe investigative journalist. The comments made may lack accuracy or may not be accurate at all on the supposedly tabloid company funding of celebrities. With that being said,this does not reflect on how celebrities really earn their money.Blah blah blah..what the hell,okay..This is a conspiracy theory i guess.


So i was bored one time,i've read all the news that are to be read on the net,the comedy skits that are to be seen,the sexy pics that are to downloaded,then all of the sudden,i unconsciously began to click letters of different variation which spells the magical word "hollywoodtuna.com".This is a site which embodies all the latest celebrity gossip news & paparazzi pics coupled with a short commentary by the owner himself.After fulfilling my dirty gratification of watching half-naked celebrities & some nip-slips,i returned shortly to my morally sound mind. What exactly have triggered me to enter that site? I dont know honestly,but one thing i know is that we,mere mortals have always had a thing for celebrities,whether it's news or pictures.Hell,they are social figures,our heroes,the untouchables,the beautiful creatures,the people we desire to be with. So what do people with a strong business acumen do? Make money out of them & let the wide demographic indulge themselves by reading their tabloid papers (National Enquirer,Star Magazine etc).

As of late,i've noticed a growing trend,or more appropriate,an emergence of a new breed of celebrities (e.g Paris Hilton & Kevin Federline). They have been dominating the tabloid eversince their arrival on the sacred Hollywood arena. So i questioned myself ,Who are they exactly? What about their background? Why the sudden splash on the hollywood scene? Why are they constantly featured in the tabloids?

These are the questions which have been rambling in my mind for quite some time.So straight away,i did an extensive research. After days of research,eating & napping,i finally came to a conclusion,they are employees of that very tabloid paper.Here i provide the theory behind it.

1)While i can't really prove that the two parties (celebrity & tabloid paper company) are directly linked as employers & employees,i've turned to the ever reliable biblical-like theology that "if you cant prove it,then it must be true"

2)The second theory is based on evidence.This theory contains a wider context & answers to the questions above.


Take Paris Hilton & Kevin Federline for example.Before hitting the news,they were a spoiled brat socialite & a dancer respectively.No biggie right? Another thing is that they were either jobless,out of job or both. So what do they do next? Align themselves with these tabloid companies & inject what i call the Fame Catalyst.

The Fame Catalyst derives from the old Hollywood notion which is "Controversy creates money". This piece of notion has been an open secret for folks in Hollywood.They are tailor-made for celebrities who wanted to create a splash regardless of how good or bad it is.In other words,they can instantly make you a star or make you look like a fool. But in Paris' & Kevin's case,it is the former. For Paris Hilton,the sex tape she made was a disguised vehicle towards stardom. From all the years of pedagogy,i have been taught that sex has been the queen of vices and evil (while money being the king),but now look at her,she is now America's sweetheart. Products have been marketed towards young girls & all have forgetten what she had done. For Kevin Federline, simple.Marry a top popstar & you earn a few percentage of their dough.

So now that they are celebrities in their own right(or B-list celebrities to be more specific),what do you do? Well,they better do something before their 15 minutes of fame is up right? Afterall,they have to make a living & they can't rely on their previous profession to financially support themselves. So click!click!click! there you have it,front page semi-nude sunbathing pictures by their paparazzi friend. It is common for them to publicly dislike the paparazzi. Paparazzis have been prone to attack by celebrities which they claim to be invading their privacy. But in reality,yes you guessed it right,the whole thing is played out. Stemming from the notion "Controversy creates money", there will be a buzz the next day about their alleged attack on the paparazzi which automatically,rises their celebrity status to another level. Another form of controversy is potrayed by their wild habits & weird antics. This can be easily spotted in the papers throught disguises of "celebrity fights" , "wild behaviour while drinking at parties" & others. Being the celebrity news-cravers that we are,these continuous shambles about them appearing daily in the papers will look like they are true genuine celebrities.

Another evidence is that these are the only type of celebrities appearing in the press,the B-list celebrities.Where the hell happened to the A-list like Robert De Niro,Russell Crowe,Charlize Theron,Bob Dylan & others who are genuine artist & who are real pioneers on their profession.I guess they are busy making big money directly through their artform,not through some convoluted process like the B-list do.

In short:



Case study inspired by a friend of mine who thinks Roman Abramovich is secretly behind Malcolm glazer's Man U takeover.This one's for the team. Haha!

Monday, May 29, 2006

Great quotes...

I gotta admit.Im outta ideas..Sooner or later,this site will turn into my own personal blog,i knew it! But let's be optimistic,Ameer leads a very healthy & enjoyable life. I enjoy eating cupcakes & reading news. If you enjoy those as well,or you simply enjoy stalking other people ,hey here's the place to be. Here's my impression of an Ameer who enjoys personal blogging.

"Hey peeps,AmEeR HeRe..I woke up at 3pm in the AfTeRnOOn.Holy cow! I didn't realise how long i slept. So,after waking up,i brushed my teeth.It was nice brushing it.So after tHaT,i watched the tv.The TV shows theyve shown was amazing,i couldn't stop laughing.Then,i drove to the grocery's to pick up today's paper. Haha,Ken lay of Enron was found guilty so screw you ,you douchebag! AfTa that,i ate a brownie. Goshh...my day is getting exciting with hours passing by. I'll keep you updated

Love,
Ameer"

Okay,that kinda freaks me off.I can't imagine myself in a situation where my main topic of entry is the sequence of events of my daily shit & errands. You see,the internet is like a suburban jungle. The civilians are either perverts or child molesters. In the real world,every piece of information regarding one's personal life is valuable to these predators.They can see patterns & soon enough,you'll be co-starring in a rape video. Hmm...ok then,i just made that up. Trust me,i have no sort of knowledge on that subject. Anyway,the moral of the story is that i won't be blogging about my personal life. Guess what that means? I will still be providing you with fake theories,humour,lessons & intricacies of life in general (although i suggest you to not follow whichever advice i've given out because they tend to be misleading at times) Yes,I have just saved the day!

Anyway,as the header suggests.Here are some great quotes from my sources of inspiration.

"The President of Mexico, Vicente Fox, is here in the United States for four days. Yea, that's how it starts. Four days, then four weeks and then four months. ... Actually when he arrived, he was greeted in the traditional manner. He was immediately offered a job at Wal-Mart."
-- Jay Leno


"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"
-- David Letterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."
--Jon Stewart

Friday, May 26, 2006

"Hey Ameer,you sexy cat"

"Psstt...is it just me or is it hot in here?"

"Hey Ameer,those cheekbones would be perfect for modelling"

Eversince writing my first entry here,i've always been a hit with the ladies.I find myself in a situation that wherever i go or do,girls are always a)grinding on me b)asking for my phone number c)dry-humping my legs (oh wait,those are their puppies). They would ask about my intellectual capabilities, how long i could last on bed & other intimate ones. One question i do get a lot is "Why the name Ameer?"

So just like any other sites & in order to save time,i've decided to write my own FAQs (it's Frequently Asked Question dimwits!)

1)Q:Why the name Ameer?
A: Ameer is defined as a "ruler" in Arabic & i just like the name.Still not satisfied? why..you got a problem with that?

2)Q:How old are you Ameer?
A: im 20 something i think however i could be wrong.But i know im old enough to bang your mom

3)Q:Where did you get your education?
A: Books,stupid!

4)Q:You were deported ,why?
A:I'd like to think my reasons were because of something related to organized crime or arms & narcotics dealing.But no,those are not the reasons.

5)Q:What are life-long ambitions?
A: Someday i would love to run for office,whether it is mayoral,senate or even president.Only time will tell. Being a comedy writer also interest me.

6)Q:What inspired you to start your own site?
A: The geniuses at Collegehumour.com

7)Q:What genre of music do you like?
A:I listen to soul music,folk,r&b & some slow jams. Marvin gaye,Lionel richie & Bob Dylan to name a few. Haha

8)Q:What are your favourite TV shows?
A:I watch TV shows where hot chicks are in it.But i regularly watch The Daily show & other comedy sketches.

9)Q:Name 3 of the hottest ladies in the universe.
A:Jamie Lynn Sigler,Melissa Theuriau & Joanna Krupa

10)Q:Why do you like the term "pussies" so much?
A:Well, it's pussies right? everyone loves pussies you douchebag!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The anatomy of a male asian artist

I find it ironic that in the thousands of idiots & a few smartasses i've met ,no one has ever brought up this topic to our daily conversations. I'm pretty sure me & my buddies' mind have never crossed path on this sensitive matter.Well i can't really blame them for that because we were always either busy having our rivetting analytical talks on whether which of all the fast-foot franchise makes the best french fries or quarrelling on who should be entitled to own the last piece of crumb of that very french fries.So as i usually do,i question myself "Whyyy?!".Why hasn't there been anyone brave enough to tackle this subject. What exactly is behind these three magical words: male asian artist.

Before i go any further,i wanna get things straight.When i mean Asian,i mean those japanese,taiwanese & chinese.Hey,i dont mean to sound racy or something,trust me cos i'm not. Blame those Americans for stereotyping! (I know,i myself am stereotyping here. iSorry) Here's an example to back up the comment i have just made. Try googling "Asian porn" or "porn asia" ,odds are they will mostly show you pictures of chinese & their ethnicity of the opposing sex doing what human nature does best. What about us? The malays? The thai people? (When i mean us,please exclude myself.Remember,im an Iranian ok.Get it?) But on the other hand,those American twats do make sense.Since the Chinese,Japanese population represent the majority of Asia,we should be classified under one group that is Asians.Hey wait a minute,i think im not making sense at all. But you get my point. For those offended,i guess you can take that as a compliment. Their population are somewhat in their billions.

My fellow readers,by now you must be wondering.What exactly is Ameer talking about? Is he about to do the same mistake he did in high school? Is he going to write an essay & the content isn't even relative to the topic? How is the topic even considered ironic?

Well here is the answer.Have your light receptive & sound receptive cells ever realised how corny most of them are ? (Yes,again.im stereotyping) For those die hard fans,I understand you guys. I can sense that you are now in a state of denial & your sane judgement are clouded by them.Some may even be traumatised.Face it ladies & gentlemen,reality bites. What was before an untouchable abstract piece of ideology,a notion so inexplicable that one would require a lifetime of learning just to master that very subject.After much extensive napping,i,with ease,have come up with several self-theorized features on what makes these breed of creatures : Male asian artists. Thus proving why critics (except,there is no critic) are labelling me as the saviour of the world.


The Facial Expression


Isn't this plain obvious? One look to his face,i think that he might be angry at something. But after carefully intrepreting,the dude is trying to sell his "im a tough guy" kind of persona & dude,im not buying. But i know,groupies would go gooo-gooo-gaaa-gaa after him saying how tough & masculine he is. Im pretty sure beneath the clothes is a skinny guy whose ass is waiting to be kicked by yours truly.


The Hair


This is a subject i have difficulty in solving.I was somewhat confused,disgusted,frustrated all at the same time by looking at this picture. So i consulted my fellow peers & we had a group meeting to discuss what exactly are those. What are they made of? Why the different variation in colors? Each of us had no clue so we got help from Prof.Jaheed from The Jaheed institute of Metrosexual higher learning. Together we discussed various issues & came to conclusion that the hair is a living squirrel,not a wig as many people suspected. According to Prof.Jaheed,these hairstyle is said to be "Cool" with a capital C.




1x 4 = 4.Ahhh,the agony.Here is the boyband version of it.

The Music

While i never really happened to listen their music. But their music can easily be identified with corny song title.After doing some research here is what i found.

e.g Romantic Mobile Phone - Jay Chou
--
Well honestly,that is the only song title i managed to find with a corny song title.I'm sure there are many out there but i'm just lazy to actually do some research despite what i said earlier.

Conclusion

Here is template situation of the whole thing.
1)Hunger driven CEOs would find a good-looking guy.
2)Change their appearances
3)Get them their own hairstylist
4)Get their nails manicured
5)Enrol them to Vocal lessons
6)Feed them with lyrics that were written by somebody else
7)Market them
8)If everything failed, hey,there's still a career in the gay bar business right? (as a male stripper that is)

So at the end of the day,these artises are basically marketing plans. HA!

My advice to you idiots is to listen to genuine artises like James Blunt,Gwen Stefani etc or any bands who writes their own music & those who don't need dictation to express their own style.Im sure there are many out there & of course,listen to that suits you.If your music taste happen to be those i named mainly in the article above,i guess there's no point of you reading this article.Sorry,you have just wasted your time.Back to square one i guess!

Bye,
Ameer is tired.

Monday, May 22, 2006

First things first

Disclaimer : The opinions expressed in this commentary does not -in any way,shape or form- reflect or potray how the Iranian-Bruneian-American people thinks.To make things simple & classy,just imagine a student high on drugs writing a blog about the everyday world from his point of view.Also remember,his visions of course may be hazy at times or he may hallucinate ocassionally.That's me.But then again,i don't do drugs so i actually might just be plain crazy.

Ok now,this should've been my first post but what the hell,i'll go on with this. So why exactly am i here? What have brought me into the world of blogging? Ok you poor schmucks,i'll tell ya. I've had my fair share of reading other people's blog and frankly,most of them are effin' crappy. Come on,tell me,who on god's green earth would wanna read about someone's life & other bollocks related to them.I know what you're thinking. "Why did ya read the blog in the first place,you moron?" .Hmm,welll...nvm

So,to answer the long awaited question. Why exactly am i here? Im here to make a change. The quality of blogs here also needs to change. I'd rather read something risque & genuine than something that is fake like those afternoon soap operas. After years of existence on this earth,i've decided this is the right time to start a blog. My main purpose is to educate you pussies with fake news,jokes,ideas & conspiracy theories while at the same time,mocking anyone or anything that came up to mind. You can consider myself a saviour to the society,the Jon Stewart of the net world.For those who might find this space offensive,please leave,you're not welcomed here. Unless if you are of course Dick Cheney. (Sir,if you don't like my blog,please don't shoot me.I'd be glad to make amends at the earliest possible opportunity) So,my fellow readers,in the mean time,be patient & stay tuned....

Until next time,
Auf Wiedersehen,
Ameer

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Boobies - an inside look on the boobism culture & theory

So,i know what you're thinking; why boobies? why not pussies? or french fries? or pancakes? Whatever happened to those species of bloggers who would start off a new blog with a simple "hello" & a few lines of cheeky cheery intros. Those fags are gone. exterminated. nada. capiche. (or at least i think) After much heated debate with myself,i've decided to stick with that headline (the other choice was "pussies"). So why exactly? Well,apart from being men's obsession since ancient times,they are also two sculptured organs with a complex story to tell. Since you all know what embodies a female breast or its components & purposes,i'll just skip on that. What i'm about to tell you is a dark secret ,never before told in an elaborate manner.More specifically on the recent crazed phenomenon : Breast implants.

Yes ladies & gentl....ehmm ladies,those silicons are the real reason why men worshipped boobies. You could almost see them everywhere, from celebrities,actresses,centrefolds & even your mom. And if your mom does have one,dont worry, your friends are either gonna tease you or adore your mom for their two melons,not their wrinkled-face.
(Note to innocent adolescence:) But say,if your mom is both hot & does possess those two melons, they are species scientifically i'd like to call : M.I.L.F

Now back to the subject.Despite what our male homies say,men do enjoy big boobies & obviously ladies should know that by now. Sooner or later,the size of boobies will be directly linked to a woman's self-esteem. This i predict in turn will result in a massive boom in the cosmetic surgery industry. Men with knives will acquire power & held high positions in the country. The whole thing i believe will be destructive to the community & society. Demands for silicon will soon exceed supply & guess what,there will be shortage of computers & im blaming you ladies for all this! If more men like me does exist,soon there will be a real barbaric war between the two sexes (sorry if i offended you my gay & transvestite friends) Historians & archeologist 5000 years from now will question why there are no straight-gendered homo sapien living on this planet. By that time,they would've found those silicons buried under the ground and say "These are the reason why men worshipped breasts!" followed by *sigh* "too bad these are also the reason why we dont have penises and vaginas" (Note:5000 years from now,the most common genitalias are "venegia" and "paningia".The former,an organ derived from a vagina & the anus.The latter,an evolved penis with three testes & thick scrotum for maximum squirting performance) Now,that is a thought i couldn't tolerate. So,my point ladies and gentlemen, boobies are not what women should be valued on. We should appreciate their beauties & other qualities like fingernails,hair,their sense of fashion,their amount of arm pit hairs & others ,not just boobies. So my dear readers,this is an open challenge to you all. "DO NOT JUST STARE AT THE BOOBIES" Otherwise you can just go fuck yourself. So i hope my theory of the evolution of boobism will be an eye-opener to you,my fellow friends. And if you still don't believe me,consider yourself warned & to those who firmly believes my theory,no need to thank me.

Until next time,
Adios,
Ameer

Source: Ameer's thesis on evolution of boobism